Arrived home from successful trip to the shops today with both boys and no disasters. Tears in the last 3 minutes of driving – nothing compared to the usual throat screaming marathon, anxious steering wheel tapping and attempted utterances of comfort.
Neighbours passed by as I tried to juggle baby, items and toddler from the car up the stairwell. Walked out to say hello – my infant has grown so much since they last saw him and we were overdue for a chat.
Proceeded to discuss “how things are going.” Was honest; things haven’t been easy. Neighbours empathised as they did the same thing – coming from Zimbabwe with no family support and then raising two children had its fair share of difficulties.
Vented a little about my morning – a disaster if there ever was one. Pondered the loss of my patient temperament as I was tested over and over by toddler (somewhat targeted) and un-slept baby (purely a victim).
Neighbours mentioned that on a couple of occasions they had “heard me, (shouting),” and had commented to each other about it, expressing that I must be a “real mum.” Was evident that they were not judging in a negative way, merely empathising and sympathising. Still, I laughed awkwardly and explained that my fuse has reached near the end of its tether and on no sleep it is particularly minuscule.
Since this chat, I have felt a bit strange about these observations. Today has been a very hard day for us; this morning I felt like a monster in front of my toddler after a night of no sleep with the little babe. The day was topped off by an acknowledgement and confirmation of the beast that lives inside me; one I am ashamed (
am I?) to be harbouring like a wild animal being kept at bay.
I have questioned, on this day and one of many, whether other people lose their shit like I do. I won’t go into detail now; these are just some thoughts I needed to get down before I shower and rest my weary brain… and write myself a reminder to keep my balcony doors closed when somebody in my family has a melt down, regardless of their age.